Friendship should feel balanced. It shouldn’t be difficult. But sometimes, friendships are challenging, off-kilter and even give, give, give. I have some thoughts on this that I’d like to share – do come with.
You’d be absolutely wrecked sometimes, wouldn’t you? Work, family, self-care, BITS… the neverending list of things we have to do seems ever-growing. Like, I sometimes think if I did everything that magazines or Instagram leads me to believe I SHOULD be doing that I’d never ever sleep or have time to actually do my job. I can’t find time to boil an egg most days never mind carry out an hour’s worth of transcendental meditation before a cacao ceremony and a 45 minute BikeRowSki session. Get the boat and take it out to sea, will you.
But one thing I generally pride myself on maintaining and giving time to is my friendships. I am lucky to have friends that feel like sunshine. Warm, bright and impossibly funny, they are quick, witty, clever, dynamic. They are smart and reliable and generous and caring. But like all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, they take ongoing effort and contribution.
In my lifetime, I’ve had friendships that didn’t last, ones that broke down, fizzled, emigrated. In those relationships, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that they didn’t continue based on a fundamental imbalance. Whether that was that one person was more giving than another on a consistent basis, or that personalities changed and no longer gelled together, whatever the reason for the breakdown, there was inevitably a heartbreak involved.
‘Bad’ friendships tend to end one of two ways. By explicit choice, or because life circumstances no longer support it. Both scenarios are hard. Sometimes though, friendships don’t end. We sit in them for longer than we should because we’re conditioned to, because we’re willing to accept less from our platonic partnerships and because admitting you’re existing in a friendship that’s not symbiotic or mutually beneficial can be embarrassing.
Simple vs complex
I think I have enough self-awareness (or is that the will to intricately and critically self-analyse?) to see the faultlines in my own friendships, both with things I do and things my friends might do, to head massive issues off at the pass. But it wasn’t always that way.
I had a hugely imbalanced friendship where, not only did I not feel as ‘valuable’ as a friend to the person but I actually felt like if I disappeared they’d barely notice I was gone.
To help me trudge through the various feeeeeelings I have on this topic, I spoke to Claire Lyons of The Frugal Family, who has been teaching and writing on relationships and other personal development topics for almost twenty years.
Claire says that friendships can be places of fairness but can also be what she describes as ‘hideous minefields’.
“Friendship can be very simple, a shared hobby, group or passion,” says Claire. “Meeting at set times or places and limited discussion outside of those parameters. Others are more complex.
“Some friendships are beautiful to behold, there is give and take and a deep knowledge that the other person will do what they can, be on your side, when needed (as you will for them). Need isn’t a constant, but over time things tend to balance out and each plays to their strengths; it feels ‘fair’.
“Other friendships can be a hideous minefield. Red flags warn us that things are not equal, that we provide more than we gain. There is little sense that the other person will be a soft place to fall, or even in the vicinity when we drop. These are more tricky to tip-toe through. As children we may not have learnt the skills, or gained the self esteem, to be assertive and/or be willing to risk losing a friend,” Claire explains.
Grace**, 35, told me that one of her longest-standing friendships frequently made her feel sad, and bad about herself, based on the lack of perceived interest on behalf of her ‘best’ friend.
“We’d been friends literally 20 years. I didn’t start noticing until years in, but she just never rang me, never Whatsapped first, never asked me to do anything. I was making plans all the time even though that’s not my usual thing. I always felt like I had to accommodate her. I think it felt like the whole relationship was happening on her terms or something, which started to get in on me,” she says.
Grace tried for a long time to just say ‘oh, that’s how she is’ and write the extra effort and extra care and attention off as part of her personality (something I think I am guilty of sometimes – putting things down to ‘oh that’s just my way’, when I really shouldn’t). But then she made a terrifying move. She pulled her friend up on her behaviour.
“I just hadn’t got the brain power to keep driving it. I was just as busy, just as committed to work, you know? My time was as valuable. There’s nothing worse than when you feel like someone doesn’t care about how what they do impacts you. I just said it to her one day. I tried to be chill but like, definitely wasn’t. I was so upset.
“She reacted well right then and there but later rang me and said that I obviously didn’t understand what she was going through and that she’d ‘talk to me in a few weeks when things calm down’. I didn’t hear from her until months later when she saw online that my brother was sick. I missed her, but I didn’t miss putting in loads of effort only to get cancelled on or whatever. Now we might talk twice a year. We used to talk twice a day.”
LONG-TERM IMPACT
Claire Lyons agrees that stepping up and saying there’s something afoot in your palship is scary but might be necessary long-term.
“It’s a very personal call to be aware of imbalance,” she says, “but still feel willing to continue the friendship. Looking at the long term impact, it would usually be more successful to reduce time or contact with that person (level to their input), to give time to create or foster a more equal, or more satisfying, relationship. This can be harder the longer a friendship has lasted,” Claire says.
“Obligation is often a big factor in decision making. We may perceive ‘owing’ them in some way. They may also know a lot about us that we feel could be exposed if the friendship broke down. Fear of loneliness or being unliked, or talked about, are also very powerful emotions,” she says.
Olivia**, 29, told me about an awkward friendship situation she found herself in this past June.
“So, myself and Val** are friends years, like since before secondary. I do always refer to her as my best friend. I know we’re adults so like does that even matter, but it did to me. Anyway, I was on at her to come over to mine for dinner for weeks. Quick catch up sort of thing. She must have cancelled it five times, I was really annoyed but let it go because I knew she was busy. Then this Tuesday evening I saw on someone’s Instagram that she was outdoor dining with a small group. The next night she was having an ‘impromptu’ movie night with her GBF, then that weekend she was doing a self-care night at home in her apartment.
“I know I have literally no right to decide who does what, but like… I just felt small in that moment. She gave her time over to so many other things but not me, even though when we get together we always have a ball and even though she relies on me for so many other things in our friendship… Ah I suppose I was reading into it too much but it just stings seeing that,” says Olivia.
“Obviously it would’ve been so petty for me to list off her activity that week like some kind of stalker, but I really wanted to flag it with her that I was hurt. I haven’t yet, I just don’t know how to approach her about it. It’s funny though because I already know her response and it will likely be me made out as insecure.”
PERCEIVED VALUE
I also spoke to Rebecca Lockwood on this. Rebecca is a neuro-linguistic programming expert and coach who has been featured by the likes of the BBC, Women’s Health and Cosmopolitan magazine.
She says: “When it comes to friendships there may be times where you value a friend more than they value you. It can also change through life as life events happen, the things that are important to us change.
“It’s important to value friendships and understand that when we are going through different times in life we are naturally going to be more valuable to certain people and certain times. It can be hard not to take this personally as you may not be as valued to your friend as they are to you, however often the perception of value can be all in your head too and may not actually be a true reflection of the value.
“We grow through different times in life, and it’s important to acknowledge that due to this we will require different friendships to support at different times and varying levels. There is no such thing as being a ‘lesser’ friend, just your own perceptions of your friendships, and if you value them then that is the most important thing.
“If a friend does upset you or you feel like you need someone to turn to and they haven’t been there for you in a way that you have for them, you can openly talk about this and explain it to them. They quite possibly just didn’t understand that you needed them at that moment.”
Claire Lyons agrees that you can out-communicate a friendship hiccup (or even a massive imbalance).
“Even in a long established friendship, it’s possible to change the rules. A deep dive into your frustrations should allow you to see which specific things are not working and to make suggestions for improvement,” Claire says.
I have for you here some actions you might take to sort out a friendship that needs recalibrating:
Take into account that your perception of things might be at odds with your friend’s, and communicate accordingly. The person mightn’t have a CLUE you’re feeling the way you are.
Look at it from a broader perspective and see if it’s always off or if over time the scales of effort even out.
Realise that it’s incredibly difficult to get every single thing you might want from the dream friendship from just one person.
Don’t be afraid to seek out new friendships or reconnect with old ones if you’re not getting the support or craic or company that you need.
Accept that some friendships do just change, fizzle or wane based on different routes taken in life. It can be tricky to gain perspective on, but not all friendships are good for you and not all of them are worth working on (sounds harsh but I think it’s fair to say).
Making new friends can become harder as we get older. There are just fewer opportunities, and as I wrote about before, fewer people willing to be open to new friendships. As we become more complex creatures, we take more risks when sharing ourselves and our stories with new people. But if your friendships don’t make you feel buoyant, supported and enriched at least 50 per cent of the time, don’t be afraid to either speak up, sort it out, or call time.
**Names all changed so that there are no wigs on the green when people read this. One of the contributors was a patron. Should I even be saying that?
A x