I knew the relationship was over when...
...I was thinking about the divorce as I walked down the aisle.
Thanks for being here and supporting me in these early Substack stages.
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So many relationships end in one or both parties’ heads but drag on, ghoulish and limping, until someone has the liathróidí (that’s ‘balls’ As Gaeilge for those not from around here) to call the whole thing off.
I was thinking about this the other day after listening to a listener email on Vogue Williams’ and Joanne McNally’s podcast My Therapist Ghosted Me – so many people realise a relationship they’re in (romantic or otherwise) is dead LONG before they sever the limb.
In my past relationships, when the *aha* moment came, I would kick my legs onto the desk, lean back in my chair and rest comfortably in denial until I was ready to pack up my things and go. Or, you know, stay in mild/moderate/spicy discomfort because the thought of being single – or alone or hurt or whatever – was more of a challenge than I was ready for.
I thought back through a relationship I had in my 20s and realised that it was literal months, maybe close to a year, before I ended things (or 'we’ ended things – we told people it was mutual… lol). So I’ll go first with my story, and then I’ll share some of the other responses I got when I asked for them. Some of them would break your heart. There’s one with a Banksy quote – it’s probably one of the most powerful and empowering things I’ve ever read. Anyway – here’s mine first.
I knew the relationship was over when I found his phone bill.
A couple of months beforehand, I’d surprised him with a new phone. In order to buy it as a surprise, I had to sign up to the phone company via bill-pay in my own name. So when the first bill arrived (this is back in the day when itemised phone bills came out in the post, kids) I saw my name and opened the envelope. My heart immediately sank.
I read page after page after page (eight in total), and there were hundreds of items listed. Mostly texts (from 7am through to 2am and 3am some days) and plenty of phone calls, all to one number that I didn’t recognise off-hand. I put the number into my phone – as you do – and our female mutual friend’s name popped up. She had stayed with us in the home we shared, she had gone on trips away with my boyfriend at the time as part of a wider friend group, she had befriended me very intensely in the preceding couple of months. I knew in that moment that she was in love with him. Whatever about his feelings (which I suspected were the same) all the signs were there that she was into him.
I confronted my boyfriend about it – in a Nando’s of all places – and he calmly explained that they were friends and nothing more. I didn’t believe him, but I let it lie. A while later, they went to a festival with friends and BOTH returned with bed bugs. We broke up shortly after that and although I have no proof, I’m sure they hooked up at some point.
The following are very real but anonymous (for obvious reasons)
“I knew the relationship was over when I found out he was sending a work colleague flirty text messages for months.
We tried to work through it and even went away for a weekend, but while away I realised the love between us had actually been gone for some time, and these texts were the beginning of the end. I'll never forget lying in bed next to him in this beautiful hotel feeling so alone. I felt like I had no idea who he was, this man I had been with for close to 10 years. There was no coming back from it.”
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“I knew the relationship was over when I was thinking about the divorce as I walked down the aisle…